christmas

Ok so I spent Christmas in NC I loved every moment of it. It was beautiful weather it was a lovely 60 degrees. It did not get cold until I came back up here. UGH it sucked as soon as I hit WV.

So anyway.....I texted him on Christmas night it was a lengthy conversation. I spent that night asking him why me.
our convo
why me? why not her?

huh what do you mean?

Why do you talk to me and not her? I like our convos but I am just confused. If you love her like you say you do then you shouldnt want to talk to me or be with me.

I do talk to her. After I finish up in the basement doing my thing I go upstairs and we watch tv and talk.

So whats the problem?

I dont see her the same way I used to....She gained weight, she can't keep up in doing things anymore. Her weight has caused knee issues.

So you dont want to be with her anymore because of her looks?

No thats not what I meant. I mean to say that she doesnt treat me the same as she used to. When I got laid off she treated me like her servant. I was disrespected by that. She emasculated me.

Ok well Im sorry that she did that to you. I don't get why you lied to me. I am confused about that. I am also confused about what may be true. I just don't understand that.

I am sorry that I have upset you.....

Stop saying your sorry

That was the end of our convo. I can't stand that crap. I hate when people say they are sorry all the time. Thats all he says to me. I'm sorry for lying..... I'm sorry for this..... I'm sorry for that.... UGH stop being sorry already.

Ok now on to something else. I have swollen ankles. I mean really swollen...I am laying up in the bed until I fall asleep again. I was sound asleep until my work phone rang and I was jolted awake I felt all out of it too. It was weird. really weird. Now I am laying here and listening to the phone go off. He is texting me.

Anyway we are not going to run to the phone. I was asked a question yesterday by the family... If you could confront the one person that you felt like made your life difficult who would that be and what would you say???? lol My response I dont really know her and dont want to but I would punch that bitch in the mouth and then punch him in the mouth and tell them both to kiss my ass....

movie

I went to the movies today. We went to see Bolt. It was good I like it. I thought the movie would have involved Miley Cyrus a little more. But it was still good. I love the super bark lol.

Ok now. I went with him. Yeah Yeah I know bad decision. I have a theory on whats wrong with me. You know how some people do drugs, cut themselves, drink uncontrollably. I think my vice is someone that is unavailable to me. I think there is some part that realizes the guy cant be with me and I still do my best to make it work. Then when it can't I saw oh poor me I dont know why I can't find a single man that loves me.

Which I am going to change. I am going to be friends with him. Nothing more friends dont screw each other they dont cuddle unless they are the same sex and one is extremly upset. I do recall cuddling with my best female friend. She couldnt sleep and she was sick.

I would so be a lesbian if I could get passed them not having a dick. There is something about feeling that when you cuddle up and a guy gets excited because you have turned him on so much. I do think women are pretty and kind of sexy. I dont like the ones that are all made up with makeup and stuff. I think thats why I don't do that stuff.

bullying

Is it right to pick on someone even if you don't know them. For instance you see an over weight person and you make fun of them. Is that ok as long as that person doesn't know. Isn't wrong no matter what. Me personally I look at people and I do my best to not say anything hurtful to them or about them. Now there are times if I see someone that I am pretty sure they don't need to do. For instance the 100 pound babies. I shouldn't see their parents giving them entire pizzas. But I wouldn't call that picking on anyone. Now I would call it picking on the kid if I walked up to the kid and said your big ole tub of lard lose some weight. That would be picking. I think it is wrong to put someones picture on the net and talk about why they are fat. That is just wrong. That is why I have currently stopped watching a certain blog. I don't get down like that.

blogging

I read a blog today called So Sue Me! I like her blog. I like her style of writing. Just the fact that it she is just a real person. We both follow some of the same blogs. I read her post on blogging being therapy I happen to agree with her. I know some of my posts come across as some crazed psycho but you know what everyone has those days. If you say you don't then you are so lying to yourself.

On a totally different note. I checked my eharmony account. Why is that I tend to attract the guys that are so concerned with sex. I mean I understand the importance of it. Especially since I haven't been getting any on a regular interval. But I don't think I should really be paying a chunk of change to meet a guy online and once we get pass all the questions he asks me do you give head. HMMMM......You know that wouldn't have been my first question. My answer was really nice and I asked why do you wanna know. He repeated the question again. I have since closed that match. HA take that you sex fiend. I have other things to think about besides men.....

I spoke to my head boss the other day. I let him know that I still wanted to go back to North Carolina. I mean not like Pennsylvania isn't wonderful. (There is a ton of sarcasm in that sentence.) Its like sending a penguin to Florida. I have no clue where I can and can not go. I mean I know there are places a black person can't go. I don't have another black person that I know up here. I work with a big group of white people. They see things different than I do. Not being from here I see some of the racism that they don't pay attention to.

Ok so moving on from that. I talked to him tonight. I have to buy his gift this week. We are going to the movies on the 20th. We are going to see The Day The Earth Stood Still.

Well till next time.....

tired

You know when you hit that place and you just get tired? I am at the I am worn out can't sleep, my mouth taste all metallic. Yeah I am tired and cranky. I did my yoga this morning. You know what it caused me to realize? How out of shape I am. I mean really out of shape. I went to do downward facing dog I almost passed out. I think that was also due to me not breathing. I noticed my flexibility is also very limited. I think I am going to keep up the yoga in the mornings. It helped wake up and I will admit I did feel a bit more focused once I got to work. I also went to the eye dr. You know when they dilate your eyes the dr said your vision will be slightly blurry. Let me tell you I couldn't read my phone to see who was calling me. It sucked big time. I started to get a headache so I came home just to lay down and relax I passed out cold. I woke up at 830pm confused now I have this metallic taste in my mouth. I am still tired. I think I am going to get up and make some cookies. Or either go by a cupcake. Now that has possibilities.

I love the blog cakewrecks it is awesome.

i hate the dr

Have you been to that place that you dont wanna go to. Well Im there. I went to the dr. I got bad news. I haven't told him or my family yet. Maybe I won't tell them until I know more. Yeah I think I will wait.

tv

Ok so I am a child of my generation. I will admit fascination with people in the public eye. Such as Britney Spears because she is almost the same age as me. Yet her life is so public. She can't have a fucked up week. If she gains 5 pounds everyone talks about it. When she went out of control everyone saw it. She didn't have a small nervous breakdown. What she had was a public episode.

Do I feel sorry for her. Hell yes. I feel so sorry for her. I wouldn't live her life for one day. I mean I really wouldn't. How can anyone live like that? I mean you are in the public eye nothing you do is a secret. I think there are times that people think being famous is a great thing. I am sorry but I love being to myself at times.

There are things that I feel aren't meant to be shared. Such as when your kids are acting out and making life difficult. Or when you got up to get the kids ready you forgot to comb your hair or even make sure your face was clean because you have had 2 hours of sleep and they have doctor appointments to get them to. That is one of those moments that should not be shared. Or when you get a divorce and your ex-husband drags things out in the street. I'm sorry but no one should have to endure that kind of scrutiny.

Let's face facts could your life live up to being advertised to everyone in the world. I know my life wouldn't make it. People would have sent me somewhere also. Here is me saying to Britney keep on doing your thing girlie. Keep doing you.

early morning

You know what sucks? When you can't sleep....Guess what I can't sleep... OMG this sh*t sucks. It sucks big brassy monkey balls.

I have watched hours of youtube. I have tried to read a book and got a headache. I have find my glasses so that when I try to read next time I wont have this crazy headache. I am about to say screw it but I can't. I mean I just cant. My brain knows my body needs to be asleep. But my body is like nope no sleep. My brain is trying to convince my body to lay still for ten minutes. Thats all it would take for me to sleep right about now.

That is so sad. I have one more thing. I hate cancer. Nick has prostate cancer. That sh*t sucks. He goes to have surgery in March. I don't know how he will feel about me around then. I don't know if he will even want to be with me. I don't know if I will want to be with him. That sounds so bad. But its true what if I meet Mr. Right by then. Would I leave him for that other person.

I dont know. I really dont.

sore

My elbow hurts its sore and it makes me feel cranky. My legs hurt also which makes me even more cranky. I have to sleep with them propped up. But it still hurts. I have to shower. So that some of the pain is relieved.

hot man

Ok so I was feeling sorry for myself last night. I am so over that now. I had a session with a toy or two I now feel very relaxed lol. Ok so I went over to sexy muscle dudes page well he had a link to this page and mmmmm I found the body ummmm how about I just show you enough talking already.


Oh my don't you just wish that sheet would fall. Be still my beating heart..... OH MY I must go wipe up the drool now.

Yep he is sexy....He is getting put on my Christmas list. I wonder if Santa could sit me in his lap mmmmm Ok Im off to do something besides staring at him and wishing th sheet would fall.

Till next time.....

rejection

Ok so tonight I sent my picture to a guy who took one look at the fucked up thing that it was. He then promptly signed off and I haven't heard from him since. I am currently trying to figure out whats wrong with me. It may have been the fact that I wasn't willing to dress up and take the picture. Or maybe it was the fact that I wouldn't take a naked picture for him. I explained I don't like taking pictures.

I guess I'm just meant to be alone for a while I guess. BIG ASS SIGH. Maybe I'm not cute. I could be butt ass ugly and just don't know it yet.

What do you think?

Thanksgiving

You know every year when you were in school you always as had to answer the question what are you thankful for. Well its a good question what are you thankful for?

I am personally thankful for my family and my pride. I love my family. I am looking forward to spending sometime with them. I am also thankful for my grandma. Without her nothing would be possible. I mean that literally. I love her. She has done so much for me. LOVE YOU GRANNY.

Grandma rocks. She is awesome. Not even because she is grandma but because she is the strongest person in our family. No matter what your problem is she can help and she can solve it. I love her she is awesome.

I am also thankful for my son. Every time I see little man it makes me happy that I am a parent. For every gooey hand print that is left on my window or on my nice shirt. I know that there is a kiss and a hug that will say I'm sorry mommy. I love the kisses. They mean a lot to me. There is nothing like knowing someone loves you. I know that even if I am broke and penniless he still loves me. That is what makes going to work and dealing with crazy people worth it.

Till next time.....

hot man

Tell me he isn't the sexiest dude you have seen with a towel. Oh baby. I would love to pour honey over his chest and well ummmm yeah i gotta go now. mmmmmmmm honey and that chest. Oh my.......I'm off to fan myself.

This pic is from sexy muscle dudes page he has some lovely men posted up over there you should check him out.

the past

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Nick

You know when you see something and you can't focus on what it is. I had one of those days today. He called. Yep he called. He doesn't know about this blog I wonder how long it will stay under his radar. His name Nick. My name Tasha. He is married save me your crap about me being so wrong.

I don't really care to hear it. I already know that what I'm doing is wrong. But what about what he did to me. He lied to me for over a year. Yep to me the one that is supposed to be his princess. I love him. Yep thats wrong too. But its ok. He only told me the truth when I pushed an issue about not seeing me on memorial day. I was so upset that I was screaming in the phone. I was just pissed. I was hurt. I was everything. I was so angry.

Now my problem with him at this point is I'm stuck with him. I can't let go. I have tried it hurt to much. But I'm over these lies we have. Like you know when you were little you told your first lie well you dont remember that one but you know when you lie. You feel bad. But then when you confess you feel better. I dont wanna just feel better I wanna be happier. You know I want a guy I can take home to grandma and family. I cant take him home to the family. They would eat him alive. I want a guy that is strong enough for me and my family. That has no problem being himself. That can love me and not get confused in trying to keep me his lies to make that happen. I just want a grown up man. Not some kid that is barely legal. Gosh I want a lot don't I.....

I hope to meet that guy that can look at me and treat me like his partner and his equal. That guy that sees me when I am sick and knows that I dont look my best but still thinks im pretty. I want a guy that finds me attractive in general.

childhood

Do you remember when you were a kid? You used to play with Barbies, or GI Joe? I loved playing with Barbie. Unlike the most of middle America I had the black Barbie but as some of you ladies know her name was Christine not Barbie. She was awesome although now she is the same as Barbie but before she was just her friend. She was the first Barbie friend I do believe. I also had Steve he was the black version of Ken. He still had plastic hair. OMG I went to the Barbie site. It brought back some memories. I remember playing Barbies with my friends and having the biggest sleepover with them. It was so much fun. I remember the Barbie with all the hair that was all long and had crinkles. LOL Sometimes when you think about childhood you wonder how you survived. Then other parts you are just shocked with your creativity.

We had more creativity then than kids do now. I feel sorry for this generation of kids growing up now. Yeah they have techonology that we didnt have then but because we didnt have it we became creative imaginative. We used our brains to have more. Now kids are looking to parents at the grand age of 4 and saying they want a cell phone. Sorry not my son. He gets a phone when he can get a job. I had to get a job to get a phone. Yeah say what you want but me not buying him a phone is not gonna cause him to go crazy at the grand old age of 10. Seriously I am not gonna get him a phone nor am I gonna buy him a ps3 or a wii. I refuse. Nope not this mommy. This mommy is gonna buy herself a wii. Hopefully come tax time I will get me a big ass 42in tv.

But this mommy has a job so that she can buy that. Yep me and the boy will go blind from watching Madagascar on the big ass tv. I will then go broke buying the wii that will be outstandingly out priced. But never mind that. I will be helping the economy. Yep the failing hobbling economy. But maybe by then it wont be so bad. I could but said wii on layaway. But if I did that now I would have to have it out by Christmas. That just wont do.

randomness

Have you ever thought about how life can change quickly? For instance a few years ago I was trying to find myself. I was involved in the BDSM lifestyle. I was involved with a guy that was emotionally withdrawn. I ended my relationship with him only to become single for a time and leave the BDSM lifestyle. I am now involved with a married man.

I feel like so much of my life has been full of bullshit. You know I always thought when I hit 26 I would be married with a PhD in psychology. I was gonna have 4 kids and have the house the dog the husband. Yet here I am not married with one kid. No house no dog no husband. Which means right now my life is in the bad place. I have to turn it around I just don't know how. I just I have no clue how to turn it around. Don't get me wrong I have a good job. I love my job. I just want out of this crappy circle I am trapped in.

wth

I got a nose bleed for the first time in like years. It came out of nowhere. It just happened sitting in bed. Wth..... Grrrrr I now have tissue to my nose hoping it doesnt stain my sheets. Jeez why me.

green eyed monster

You know what I find to be the most difficult part of being in a relationship. Well a normal relationship its the communication part. In what ever it is that we have its the part of sharing whats bothering me. How do you tell this person that your upset because they left their phone at home and since they did that they couldnt talk to you. It made me angry. Really angry. Then I started thinking well i have no hold or connections to him. So what if he left his phone at home. So what if i dont like him being in the same room as her so what. I mean I came to the realization today that what i want doesnt really matter anymore. Im not all that sure it mattered in the first place. I just get so angry sometimes. I wish things were different. I wish he would leave if he did then what. I would then have to change how I am. I would have to be more aware of him. Not like Im not but I would have to be more on my game than I tend to be now. Would that suck not really. I just am so angry. I mean really angry.

in bed

I lay in bed alone.
I lay here wishing you were here.
When you are here we lay wrapped together.
As I fall asleep you move away and I move to the other side of the bed.
I wake cold and worried that you have left me.
I move behind you and snuggle up close.
I lay behind you enjoying your warmth your closeness lulls me into sleep.
I wake up in the morning wrapped up in your arms and legs.
I feel your heart beating under my hand.
I feel the steadiness of your breathing.
I feel safe and loved.
I lay in the safety of your arms waiting for you to wake.
As you wake I feel you tighten your arms to hug me closer.
I feel you kiss my forehead and my cheek.
I feel your hands wander down my back and side.
I smile at you and kiss you back.
You smile back and say so do you wanna eat breakfast?

how im feeling

Im feeling kind of i dunno... here is the best way to describe it dark


The feel of your hands against my flesh I feel you breath on my neck.
I feel you stripping my clothes off. I hear you call my name.
I feel the blindfold go over my eyes you tell me not to worry.
I feel you grasping my wrist and pulling them above my head.
I hear you in my ear telling me not to worry its ok.
I feel your hands against my butt. I feel you hesitate.
Then I feel your hand slap my butt. The sting of it makes me gasp.
I feel you rub the spot you just slapped. I feel you slap the other side.
We both know I need this...you need this....
You want me to submit...I want to submit....
After you give me my spanking you reach down and feel my pussy
Oh you wanna cum now? I only whimper I know its not a real question...
Oh but i do wanna cum everything in me is begging for release..
I know that you not finish...You have tasted the power of Dominance your loving it...
I feel your hands move up my back and grasp my hair and pull my head back...
I gasp... Your learning.... You wanna cum my sexy sub?
Once again I know its not a question... I just keep quiet
You pull my head back again...you smack my butt again and again while holding on to my hair
When you hear me whimper you stop...You untie my hands
You make me keep the blindfold on...
You put me on my back and spread my legs.... I feel you looking at me.
You place two fingers at my opening....I inhale and you plunge in....
You move your fingers until you hit that magic spot....
Once you find it you pull your fingers out and put in three....
Once your inside me you go in and out at a rapid pace I dont have time to catch my breath one min I'm on the verge next thing I'm flying off the cliff to the big O....
I feel the build up and I move on instinct you grab my leg and hold me still while you piston your hand in and out of me....
I then hear you laugh and all of a sudden there are more fingers four to be exact...
I squirm you pop my thighs and say stop or I will....
You cant stop Im chasing the BIG O I mean like the biggest one the motherload is gonna follow this one....
You find that spot and you keep hitting it with your fingers and I expload all over you....
Im like a fountain my body betrays me and keeps pouring all over you and me and the bed...
You clean me up.....
You take the blindfold off
You smile and say Thats my girl