christmas

Ok so I spent Christmas in NC I loved every moment of it. It was beautiful weather it was a lovely 60 degrees. It did not get cold until I came back up here. UGH it sucked as soon as I hit WV.

So anyway.....I texted him on Christmas night it was a lengthy conversation. I spent that night asking him why me.
our convo
why me? why not her?

huh what do you mean?

Why do you talk to me and not her? I like our convos but I am just confused. If you love her like you say you do then you shouldnt want to talk to me or be with me.

I do talk to her. After I finish up in the basement doing my thing I go upstairs and we watch tv and talk.

So whats the problem?

I dont see her the same way I used to....She gained weight, she can't keep up in doing things anymore. Her weight has caused knee issues.

So you dont want to be with her anymore because of her looks?

No thats not what I meant. I mean to say that she doesnt treat me the same as she used to. When I got laid off she treated me like her servant. I was disrespected by that. She emasculated me.

Ok well Im sorry that she did that to you. I don't get why you lied to me. I am confused about that. I am also confused about what may be true. I just don't understand that.

I am sorry that I have upset you.....

Stop saying your sorry

That was the end of our convo. I can't stand that crap. I hate when people say they are sorry all the time. Thats all he says to me. I'm sorry for lying..... I'm sorry for this..... I'm sorry for that.... UGH stop being sorry already.

Ok now on to something else. I have swollen ankles. I mean really swollen...I am laying up in the bed until I fall asleep again. I was sound asleep until my work phone rang and I was jolted awake I felt all out of it too. It was weird. really weird. Now I am laying here and listening to the phone go off. He is texting me.

Anyway we are not going to run to the phone. I was asked a question yesterday by the family... If you could confront the one person that you felt like made your life difficult who would that be and what would you say???? lol My response I dont really know her and dont want to but I would punch that bitch in the mouth and then punch him in the mouth and tell them both to kiss my ass....

movie

I went to the movies today. We went to see Bolt. It was good I like it. I thought the movie would have involved Miley Cyrus a little more. But it was still good. I love the super bark lol.

Ok now. I went with him. Yeah Yeah I know bad decision. I have a theory on whats wrong with me. You know how some people do drugs, cut themselves, drink uncontrollably. I think my vice is someone that is unavailable to me. I think there is some part that realizes the guy cant be with me and I still do my best to make it work. Then when it can't I saw oh poor me I dont know why I can't find a single man that loves me.

Which I am going to change. I am going to be friends with him. Nothing more friends dont screw each other they dont cuddle unless they are the same sex and one is extremly upset. I do recall cuddling with my best female friend. She couldnt sleep and she was sick.

I would so be a lesbian if I could get passed them not having a dick. There is something about feeling that when you cuddle up and a guy gets excited because you have turned him on so much. I do think women are pretty and kind of sexy. I dont like the ones that are all made up with makeup and stuff. I think thats why I don't do that stuff.

bullying

Is it right to pick on someone even if you don't know them. For instance you see an over weight person and you make fun of them. Is that ok as long as that person doesn't know. Isn't wrong no matter what. Me personally I look at people and I do my best to not say anything hurtful to them or about them. Now there are times if I see someone that I am pretty sure they don't need to do. For instance the 100 pound babies. I shouldn't see their parents giving them entire pizzas. But I wouldn't call that picking on anyone. Now I would call it picking on the kid if I walked up to the kid and said your big ole tub of lard lose some weight. That would be picking. I think it is wrong to put someones picture on the net and talk about why they are fat. That is just wrong. That is why I have currently stopped watching a certain blog. I don't get down like that.

blogging

I read a blog today called So Sue Me! I like her blog. I like her style of writing. Just the fact that it she is just a real person. We both follow some of the same blogs. I read her post on blogging being therapy I happen to agree with her. I know some of my posts come across as some crazed psycho but you know what everyone has those days. If you say you don't then you are so lying to yourself.

On a totally different note. I checked my eharmony account. Why is that I tend to attract the guys that are so concerned with sex. I mean I understand the importance of it. Especially since I haven't been getting any on a regular interval. But I don't think I should really be paying a chunk of change to meet a guy online and once we get pass all the questions he asks me do you give head. HMMMM......You know that wouldn't have been my first question. My answer was really nice and I asked why do you wanna know. He repeated the question again. I have since closed that match. HA take that you sex fiend. I have other things to think about besides men.....

I spoke to my head boss the other day. I let him know that I still wanted to go back to North Carolina. I mean not like Pennsylvania isn't wonderful. (There is a ton of sarcasm in that sentence.) Its like sending a penguin to Florida. I have no clue where I can and can not go. I mean I know there are places a black person can't go. I don't have another black person that I know up here. I work with a big group of white people. They see things different than I do. Not being from here I see some of the racism that they don't pay attention to.

Ok so moving on from that. I talked to him tonight. I have to buy his gift this week. We are going to the movies on the 20th. We are going to see The Day The Earth Stood Still.

Well till next time.....

tired

You know when you hit that place and you just get tired? I am at the I am worn out can't sleep, my mouth taste all metallic. Yeah I am tired and cranky. I did my yoga this morning. You know what it caused me to realize? How out of shape I am. I mean really out of shape. I went to do downward facing dog I almost passed out. I think that was also due to me not breathing. I noticed my flexibility is also very limited. I think I am going to keep up the yoga in the mornings. It helped wake up and I will admit I did feel a bit more focused once I got to work. I also went to the eye dr. You know when they dilate your eyes the dr said your vision will be slightly blurry. Let me tell you I couldn't read my phone to see who was calling me. It sucked big time. I started to get a headache so I came home just to lay down and relax I passed out cold. I woke up at 830pm confused now I have this metallic taste in my mouth. I am still tired. I think I am going to get up and make some cookies. Or either go by a cupcake. Now that has possibilities.

I love the blog cakewrecks it is awesome.

i hate the dr

Have you been to that place that you dont wanna go to. Well Im there. I went to the dr. I got bad news. I haven't told him or my family yet. Maybe I won't tell them until I know more. Yeah I think I will wait.

tv

Ok so I am a child of my generation. I will admit fascination with people in the public eye. Such as Britney Spears because she is almost the same age as me. Yet her life is so public. She can't have a fucked up week. If she gains 5 pounds everyone talks about it. When she went out of control everyone saw it. She didn't have a small nervous breakdown. What she had was a public episode.

Do I feel sorry for her. Hell yes. I feel so sorry for her. I wouldn't live her life for one day. I mean I really wouldn't. How can anyone live like that? I mean you are in the public eye nothing you do is a secret. I think there are times that people think being famous is a great thing. I am sorry but I love being to myself at times.

There are things that I feel aren't meant to be shared. Such as when your kids are acting out and making life difficult. Or when you got up to get the kids ready you forgot to comb your hair or even make sure your face was clean because you have had 2 hours of sleep and they have doctor appointments to get them to. That is one of those moments that should not be shared. Or when you get a divorce and your ex-husband drags things out in the street. I'm sorry but no one should have to endure that kind of scrutiny.

Let's face facts could your life live up to being advertised to everyone in the world. I know my life wouldn't make it. People would have sent me somewhere also. Here is me saying to Britney keep on doing your thing girlie. Keep doing you.

early morning

You know what sucks? When you can't sleep....Guess what I can't sleep... OMG this sh*t sucks. It sucks big brassy monkey balls.

I have watched hours of youtube. I have tried to read a book and got a headache. I have find my glasses so that when I try to read next time I wont have this crazy headache. I am about to say screw it but I can't. I mean I just cant. My brain knows my body needs to be asleep. But my body is like nope no sleep. My brain is trying to convince my body to lay still for ten minutes. Thats all it would take for me to sleep right about now.

That is so sad. I have one more thing. I hate cancer. Nick has prostate cancer. That sh*t sucks. He goes to have surgery in March. I don't know how he will feel about me around then. I don't know if he will even want to be with me. I don't know if I will want to be with him. That sounds so bad. But its true what if I meet Mr. Right by then. Would I leave him for that other person.

I dont know. I really dont.